Saturday, 03 October 2009

  • A dried up well

                         I once heard a wise woman say that she was "operating on far less than a full tank. Gonna go open my Bible and find some fuel."  Lately, I have not been able to put my feelings into words until I read this statement.  Operating on far less than a full tank describes exactly how I feel and have felt over the past year or so.  I walk around in my life in teaching, friendships, marriage, etc... giving all I have, but it still does not feel like it is enough.  For example, I had a conversation with a hurting young man this past week which left me in a bind; we were discussing some major spiritual concerns that he had about hypocrisy and being "luke-warm" and I could not offer him any solutions to his problems because I am in the same boat he is in asking the same questions about myself.  I am a hypocrite.  I speak truth but do I live it? 
                        As I read through the notes I have written over the past years I realize that my spiritual growth has tapered off.  Is my faith only as strong as the environment I am in?  Did I only grow in my youth and college because of the atmospheres I was in?  I yearn for the spiritual oasis that I used to be so familiar with.  I am sure Christ intended for the spiritual life to be so much more than what I am experiencing.  It is so easy for me to refer to Christianity as if it is one the Psychology theories that we learn about in class; only theory based on a bunch of impressive knowledge.  I know faith is much more than a psychological theory, but without application it seems so dry.  How AM I fit to teach very precious and moldable minds when I still struggle with inconsistency of my own faith?  Do all Christians struggle with this?  Do all Christians battle their flesh to remain consistent in the Word?  I believe the reason I once desired to work in an urban school setting is because I long to feel as unworthy as the students bursting from the schools walls.  Teens consumed by difficulties such as drugs, alcohol, pre-marital sex, lack of parents, gangs, violence, are never blinded by their own "self-righteousness."  It is very clear for them to see a before and after picture of how Christ has changed them.  Is it always so clear for every believer?  Some days I wish I had lived that path so I could know and see the changes in my life as I am "being made new" in the likeness of Christ.  Alas, I am where God has placed me and there is no point in wishing to live a different life.  I do however, submit that I will never be content with mediocrity in my spirit.  I choose to rather be cold than "luke-warm", but what does that mean?  Oh why can't I be hot and know that my well is overflowing with fresh water.  How am I to inspire my students with refreshing water of a spirit filled life if my well is dry?
                           Lord I am inadequate for the task you have given me.  Please do not let me cause any of your children to stumble.  Help me to be wise with my words and actions but genuine in my heart. 

    Bring the rain.         
                     

Thursday, 10 July 2008

  • God the Provider; not I

    For some reason I have always felt that it was my responsibility to protect those I love from the realms of this world. To this day, I can recall the burden of needing to protect my friends from other people or bad experiences even when I was 5. Today, I still sense the urgent need of providing a protective shield not only around Matt and I but also around my sister, her fiance, my parents, and some of my close friends. It wasn't until last night when I was talking to my mom that I recognized how much of a burden this weighs on my shoulders.

    My burden ecompasses shielding my friends and family from financial, spiritual, material, physical, and emotional difficulties. I take it upon myself to fix all of their problems and eliminate any potential negative interactions they might have with other people or matters of this world. I get so frustrated when I cannot even fix my own problems because than I recognize that I am failing at fixing their problems as well.

    I feel like I am the last thing that holds the bubble layer around us before the weight of the world destroys us. I don't know why I feel like this. The imagery of what is going on in my head include the basic tentants of war. If I don't preserve this last defensive stance than the enemy (world) will destory them. For some reason I fear this more than i fear death for myself. To watch love ones go through hard times and know that I cannot fix it makes me feel like I'm a failure.

    Now I know all of this blubbering begs one important theological question: Is God really Sovereign? I know based on faith and Biblical truth that God is in control of everything that happens. In fact, I recognize that many of the incidents I am trying to protect my friends and family from are in fact direct wishes from God. Just as a mother cannot protect her children from failure, falling, and hardship because she knows that these things will make her child stronger, I cannot protect my friends and family from these trials that God intends to use to make them stronger.

    So then my question is why do I bear this burden of protectorship and provider if it is not mine to bear? Obviously, God is our protector and provider and will not allow anything to happen that He has not already planned. So doesn't that mean I can stop worrying about my family and friends?

Saturday, 17 November 2007

  • Thanksgiving and a new family member

    With Thanksgiving upon us and Christmas right around the corner, Matt, Branson, and I and Branson's new brother little Jack, who just became part of our family today, will be preparing for a quick flight through the next 4 weeks.  Usually the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas break goes quickly but we always enjoy the holiday spirit.  It has been a little different this year now that I am married, have a new family, new children (kitties), and closing my college career, I have been much more reflective on the events of my life.  I love all of my family members, friends, husband, and students in my classes.  I hope that through this holiday season we can take the time to make others feek truly blessed this season just as they have done for us. 

     

    Looking a life with a new perspective,

    Lauren Cook

Friday, 10 August 2007

  • Marriage demands that I respect unconditionally

         Marriage, so many ideas came to mind when I heard this word about a week ago.  However, when I here the word now I think of so many different things.  I have only been married to my hubby for almost a week now and I am finding that I am quite inadequate in practicing unconditional love and respect.  I have most frequently been contemplating how Matt and I can glorify God through our marriage.  I believe one way is by practicing characteristics that God demonstrated to us in His marriage to the church.

         I have always heard from people that each marriage will have its moments where the two individuals personalities will bumb heads.  Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love my husband, but I am seeing our differences more and more the longer I am married to him.  None of his character differences surprise me because I feel I had a good idea of what they were before hand; the main change is I am learning how to complement him and adjust to our differing characteristics on a new level.  I realize that this whole process is part of our molding and adjusting stage and I am glad that we are in it.  We have been waiting for this stage in our lives for about 2 years now and finally we are hear.  I just hope that I take advantage of every opportunity to honor and respect my husband despite my feelings.  I believe by holding to this standard we can glorify God the most. 

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

  • God's Independent Love

    It is encouraging to know that God loves me independently of whether or not I earned it or deserved it.  I haven't thought about that perspective of God's love in a while.  It is a great insight when applying it to marriage.  With Matt and I about 7 weeks out from our wedding, I have found myself thinking a lot about true love (what God exemplifies to us).  I have determined that I want to be the best wife possible by supporting and loving my man.  I am not neive in understanding that we will go through a lot of hard times, but it is encouraging to know that we have the ultimate example. 

gabies03

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    • Name: Lauren
    • Country: United States
    • State: Indiana
    • Metro: Kokomo
    • Birthday: 3/11/1986
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/7/2005

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